


Ghost Stealers

by Legendary_Map_Maker



Series: Ghost Stealers [1]
Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Gen, Ghost Stealers, Not Beta Read, Out of Character, Persona 5 Protagonist Disbands Phantom Theives, Persona 5 Spoilers, Spoilers, The Velvet Room (Persona Series), crackfic, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25699711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legendary_Map_Maker/pseuds/Legendary_Map_Maker
Summary: Joker's friends refuse to believe a man with a long nose could exist, so he replaced them with the first six people he called.
Series: Ghost Stealers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1865464
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42





	Ghost Stealers

“So there's a man with a long nose...” started Akira.

“Dude, quit messing around!” interrupted Ryuji aka Best Boy.

“...in a Velvet Room...” continued Ren.

“A room made of fabric? How preposterous...” noted Yusuke aka Best Girl.

“Are you serious, guys?” Joker asked. “It makes sense for our school to turn into a castle, for us to summon demons with OUR FACE!, and for Ryuji not to date me no matter how much I flirt!”

“I thought you were joking, man! I mean, if you want, we could get beaf bowl-”

“But for a long-nosed man to lock me in jail with two little girls who beat me up-”

“Akiren Kurumia, are you doing drugs?” Makoto asked.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Ryuji asked.

“-is just too far out of the realm of possibility!” finished Akira.

“Yeah,” Futaba said, “sounds about right.” The other Phantom Thieves nodded in agreement.

Akia threw his arms in the air and started backing away. “That's it. No more Phantom Thieves. I quit.”

Ren pulled out his phone and called the last person to text him. “Kurusu! You're calling me!” Of course it was Mishima...

“Hey, the Phantom Thieves are over, but I was wondering if you'd like to join my new group the, uh...” Crap, he never thought of a name. Can't be Phantom Thieves. What about... “Ghost Stealers.” Lame.

“Wait, you're asking if I wanna be a, a... a Phantom Thief!”

“Ghost Stealer, but yeah. Pretty much.”

“Of course! I won't let you down!”

Joker than had to call the next new Phantom Thi- Ghost Stealer. The next new Ghost Stealer. “Lala, do you wanna be a Ghost Stealer. It's like being a Phantom Thief, except we aren't idiots.”

Lala Escargot somehow descended from the heavens, a lit cigarette in her mouth. “Honey, I was wondering how long until you asked for my help.”

“How did you-”

“Don't question it darling. You get the rest of the Ghost Stealers, and we'll meet in front of Leblanc.” Lala Escargot vanished into thin air.

“Uh... how did she know that was where I wanted us to meet?”

“So, Akechi-kun,” started the host of a TV show, “the question everyone has been dying to ask you: are you seeing anyone? Does the Prince Detective have himself a Princess?”

If Pancake boy wasn't busy keeping up his pleasant boy facade, he would have ripped out that man's throat for wasting his time with such drivel. All smiles, he answered “No. I simply haven't the time to consider such things, especially considering how much time I spend on the Phantom Thieves case.”

“And look at all the ones of them you've caught: zero. Maybe you need a motivation... Would any of the fine young ladies in the audience like-:”

Everything was interrupted as Akechi's phone rang. He mumbled to himself “Oh thank Jesus-fucking-God...” He answered it.

“Hey Goro, I disbanded the Phantom Thieves. Want to be a part of my new group? We're the Ghost Stealers.”

Akechi laughed. Then he laughed again. Then one more time. “Kurusu, sweetie, as much as I love your jokes, I'm in the middle of something right now.”

“But-:”

Akechi hang up.

“Oh, who was that on the other end there? Do you have a special someone after all?”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Akechi dropped his phone and smashed it with his foot. He stomped three times for good measure. “I don't have a phone.”

So that was a maybe from Akechi. So far, Ren got a confirmation from Mishima, Lala, Hifumi, and Sojiro. Well, Sojiro confirmed “No,” but Akira was going to bring him anyway. He already thought of his code name, after all.

There was one last person he needed to invite to the team. It was the most nonsensical one, but also the most petty. And Joker deserved to be petty.

“Let me in,” he told the magic child sitting on a magic door that only he could see. Magically.

“Say please Inm-:” Akira threw a rock at her. She fell off. “Gah!”

Once inside the Velvet Room, Ren was speaking to “Igor” while Justine put an icepack on Caroline's only eye. She mumbled something about him, either that he was a “Big meanie...” or a “Fucking asshole!” Either one sounded in character.

“Igor, I disbanded the Phantom Thieves.”

“I witnessed this. It truly was intriguing to watch you reset your lineup with an entirely new selection of-:”

“You're joining.”

“What?”

Ren snagged the baton out of Caroline's hand and threw it at “Igor”'s desk. “Here's your weapon.” Akira took Justine's clipboard and threw it too. “There's your gun.”

“That's a clipboard,” “Igor” pointed out.

“My clipboard...” Justine mumbled.

“It's a gun now. Let's go!”

Everyone was horrified when they saw “Igor”. Especially Mishima. He passed out. Well, Lala wasn't horrified. But everyone else was.

“W-what is that thing?” Sojiro asked.

“This is Igor. He's a long-nosed man. He exists.”

“I exist...” “Igor” said menacingly, his unblinking eyes staring into everyone's soul.

“Now, step one of being a Ghost Stealer: awaken to your Persona.” Akira took them into the metaverse with his phone, Mementos in particular.

“Why is the sky red?” Hifumi asked.

“Why did that guy turn into a cup!” Sojiro asked. He pointed to a large golden cup that existed where the long-nosed man stood.

“Uh... this is what I look like when I... this is how I view rebellion.”

“You look gaudy,” Joker said with his red hands in his badass-coat's pockets.

“How's this?” the big cup asked. He turned from a shiny gold to an obsidian's black.

“Nice and edgy.” Joker turned around. “Speaking of edgy... Akechi, I thought you didn't want to join.”

Wearing a black mask standing at the end of the alley was Akechi. “What?” he asked venomously. He then realized where he was and what he was wearing. “Uh, what?” He feigned ignorance and surprise. “You using the MetaNav must've brought me here by accident. No, this can't be how my justice ends, I just wanted coffee. Right Robin Hood, my Persona that I am seeing now for the first time?”

Robin Hood materialilzed next to Akechi, and his outfit turned from dark to light.

“Weren't you just wearing something else?” Lala asked.

“What, no!” Akechi denied. “I was just standing in shadows a moment ago.”

Akechi was standing in the exact same spot. It was the brightest spot in the alleyway.

“Well, anyway, welcome to the Ghost Stealers!”

“Man, it's weird being in Mementos without Joker,” Ryuji said.

“Are you sure he won't mind us changing this guy's heart without him?” Ann asked Makoto, who was driving the Mona-Bus.

“This target was his idea, so I'm pretty sure he already voted in favor of it,” Makoto answered. “Once he's calmed down, I'm sure he'll be happy to hear we continued to get stuff done without him.”

“Still... I can't stop thinking about him after he left. He seemed kinda upset...” Ryuji looked very sad that his best friend wasn't there. Cue a sad song on the world's smallest violin.

“Well, I have good and bad news,” announced Futaba, a little nervous (isn't that just normal Futaba though?). “Good news: I found Joker, he's here!”

“Yeah!”

“Bad news: he's surrounded!”

“Boo!”

Makoto hit the gas pedal so hard Morgana yelped. “Step on it, Mona!”

“Grail, an enemy is trying to sneak up behind you!” Lance, the Ghost Stealers' Navigator, warned.

“Imbecile...” Grail, a giant black metal cup and member of the Ghost Stealers, mumbled. Interestingly, he was smaller than he was back in the alleyway. Also interesting that there was a trail of destroyed tracks behind him. Assumedly, he created this trail by sliding across the ground of Mementos. He shot an arrow of light at the Shadow, and it died. Instantly.

“I can help, too!” Admin, another Ghost Stealer, shouted. He ripped off his mask and summoned a Persona. His Persona used an attack which defeated a different Shadow.

A third Shadow ran away from the carnage and bumped into Lala. (I wonder whose codename that is.) She didn't seem to have a thief outfit. Either way, she just looked down at the Shadow, took the cigarette out of her lips, and said “Honey, you don't want me to hurt you.”

The Shadow self-destructed, but doing so only damaged itself.

“Not bad,” Joker said with his usual cockiness.

“When do I get to kill!” Crow complained.

“Uh, yeah. And when do I get to be with anyone but Ake-er, I mean, Crow?” Coffee asked.

“Is ThErE sOmEtHiNg WrOnG wItH mE!?!?!?!?!?!?”

“N-no! But... you're kind of intense...”

“Those enemies made a mockery of themselves! They have brought dishonor to their entire kingdom!” Lance shouted, getting way too into it.

“Hey...” groaned Grail.

“What's got you so upset?” Joker asked.

“What? Nothing, absolutely nothing!”

“Six readings are trying to flank us from behind...” started Lance. “Let them know the power of the Ghost Stealers and their draconic might!”

“Crow, Coffee, frontlines!” ordered Joker. “Same with you Grail. Lala, Admin, take a break. Lance, keep up the navigation!”

“They will not survive,” Grail announced. A giant gun broke through the floor, slowly rising as the song Yaldabaoth blared in the background.

“Lala, where did you get that guitar?” Mishima asked.

“What guitar, darling?” Lala asked as she was clearly holding a guitar. She threw it at the floor, and it sunk through. The Yaldabaoth theme stopped playing, and the gun sunk back into the ground.

“Way to ruin it, Admin...” Grail mumbled.

“Alright...” Coffee mumbled. “Crow, try to-:”

“'Keep up?' I should be asking you that, old man!”

“I was gonna say 'not leave-us-to-die again' but sure, that too.”

“Get along kids,” Joker said with a smirk. “Wait, is that...”

A black bus filled with children crashed into Crow, knocking him over. “Gahh!”

One with orange hair jumped out of the bus and dived at Coffee. “Sojiro! What are you doing in Mementos!”

Crow screamed. “YaaaahhhHHH!!!!!” He threw the Phantom Thieves off of him. “I'll get 'em off you, Coffee! See how good of a teammate I am!” He was about to stab the orange-haired girl with his Light Sword that has a saber handle when...

“Wait!” Coffee shouted. “This is my daughter!”

Crow slowly inched the sword toward her...

“That means don't stab her!”

Crow slumped over, disappointed.

“Futaba, what are you doing in a place like this?”

“Umm...”

“Joker! Did you replace us?” Makoto asked.

“I can explain...” Joker started.

Back in the real world, everyone was drinking coffee in Leblanc.

“...And that's it!” the Persona 5 Protagonist finished.

“So a long-nosed man truly did exist...” Yusuke said before taking another sip.

“So uh, Joker...” Ryuji pointed to Lala and Hifumi. “Why were you calling those two 'little girls' earlier?”

“What, no. The little girls would execute my Personas with guillotines and-:”

“Execute your Personas!” Makoto asked.

“How gruesome...” Yusuke mumbled.

“How badass!” Ryuji cheered.

“Honey,” Lala started, “do you really expect us to believe a couple kids would fuse your Personas?”

“Wait...” Akiren was confused. “I never said it was for fusion... How did you know that?”

“Shit.” Lala tossed out her cigarrette and flew out through Leblanc's window.

There was a stunned silence.

Broken by “Igor”. “Thank myself-er, I mean, thank God.... I was me-damned terrified of her.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I wrote this, but I will not apologize.


End file.
